redefining success

So here I am, sitting on the couch with my chores half done. I am getting sick of it personally. Wake up, make bed, unload dishwasher, make breakfast, take clothes out of dryer, fold clothes, hang clothes, start cleaning then it fluctuates from there. I feel trapped, lonely, desperate. *edit* After reflection on this thought I realize I am resenting my job at home because I know my time is limited. So every second I'm doing something I don't want to, I begin to hate it. Go go job hunting.. *end edit* Europe seems more appealing and I am starting to regret not moving there. I want to backpack Europe and see things. I want to learn another language. I want to travel. And that is about all I want to do. The list of what I don’t want to do is extensive. Yet would I be happy if I traveled and escaped “now?” I don’t know. Probably not. My values are out of whack. I know I need to work; I know I need to grow up. But I’m scared and selfish. I’d rather escape to another reality in a game or book or movie or TV. Finding the inspiration to do anything is problematic. But in my defense, I’ve applied to jobs, gone on interviews, paid bills, made every meal, cleaned every dish, grocery shopped and called insurance companies. I went to church on Sunday and he asked us what our values are. Make a list he said. So here are my values or goals or attitudes:
1. Be important and admired
2. Live comfortably
3. Do anything to get my way
4. Put myself first because I’m my own best friend

I knew, when I graduated I wanted to change my values, that I wanted to put my family and friends first; that I wanted to live life, not chase it down. I wanted to take life slower, not race through it like I was, to build lasting and important relationships, to help and love others. My way of life before was so rotten, hollow, and un-gratifying, but it seemed innocuous right? My current/old values are hegemonic. That is what we are told to value. I vowed to break from that when I graduated. Yet here I am petrified, anxious, depressed about making career choices. I want that fancy job that everyone will be impressed with. I want it to pay a LOT of money. And I want to call the shots there. Sounds like the old values to me.

This is what I want on a real level: A nice office with good computers, an understanding and patient manager, very little office drama, close to home so I don’t have to drive during rush hour, work that is important/helps people. But when I find an office like that, I realize I am actually looking for a job with the old values. I feel guilty for accepting a job that isn’t my dream job. I feel depressed for not living up to my prestigious potential. I worry about what my family will say. I worry about what my friends will think. But I need to work right? So who cares. The pastor said something interesting too. He was referring to 1 John 2.15-17. We crave the world, worldly attitudes, worldly things, worldly lifestyles so we can boast and be admired, so we can make others envious and less important. But really when we boast we are saying we are better than God that we can do things without him and don’t need him. And that is not the case for me. I am so tired of that attitude and desire. I am tired of living to impress. But it is hard to change. Everything in me fights it; it feels unnatural to not care about status; it is unnatural to not care about money. Anyway, I guess what this comes down to is me redefining my values and definition of success. As of now I want to define success as… I’m not sure. I am going to think about it some more. What is success? If you base your success on an achievement you will always be disappointed because achievements are meant to be broken. Someone will always be better. So what is success?