childhood lost

I had a heart-to-heart chat with my grandpa at my cousin's birthday party. We haven't had one of those since I was in high school I am ashamed to say. I was sitting in Tim and Shari's backyard drinking a bottle of water and staring at the pool when he came out. He sat with me and we just started talking. I told him about a few of the things that were bothering me; unfortunately, I couldn't help from crying. He looked so distressed at me and told me everything would be okay and to not give a damn about it. I knew it upset him that I was crying but I couldn't help it. He just sat there staring at the pool with me and patting my knee. It was one of those precious moments I will always remember.

When I was younger, probably in fourth grade, he had a stroke or a heart attack or something. I was too young to know what exactly. I remember everyone being so anxious and tense. I could even draw you a diagram of the hospital layout, the waiting room, and his bedroom. I started praying that he would live till I was married, and I knew in my heart that would happen. I just had a peace about it.

He has always been my buddy. Anyway later in the evening at my cousin's party, I was sitting on the couch. I was staring into space and grandpa snapped his fingers asking what I was thinking about. The horror of it was that I was thinking about his death, that he would someday die and I wouldn't have him around to talk to. I startled me pretty bad and I just dismissed it and said "Oh nothing."

I honestly don't know what brought all this to mind now or why it is bothering me. I just needed to get it off my chest.

New Carpet Pad Horray!

The carpet pad issue is allegedly resolved! Once I got a hold of a human, not the monster bastard Joe Pulte Customer Relations person, I received prompt answers, returned phone calls, and actual service. It was wonderful! Anyway, they sent out three workers and had a supervisor come out every hour they were here. The workers were very careful, better at arranging and centering the furniture than I am, and were relatively fast. Overall it was a pleasant experience. Plus, they put all the same carpet pad down. The carpet pad itself feels nice, it feels like there is padding under the carpet. Imagine that. However, the carpet glue is a nauseating smell. My mom came over to help me too because she loves me. I had to move all of the furniture off the carpet the day before, then all back in place, then clean like a crazy woman. She really helped make it go by faster. There is no way I would have been able to get everything done today if she hadn't helped. =) PLUS I have my nice, clean, organized house back!

The upsetting thing that happened today (besides the heat and humidity) was that my girlfriend asked me to make a cake for her birthday. She knew how busy and stressed I was about this ordeal, but she desperately "needed" a chocolate cake for her birthday (which was today). And since I took that cooking class I guess she thought I was the person to make it. Anyway, I said I would even though I had to go get eggs and make the cake at midnight last night after I had moved all the furniture after work. Ugh. Then I decorated it with purple roses that had orange centers peeking out and sprinkles ect. after I had finished ordering the house (which made it messy all over again cuz of the sugar... not much foresight). Anyway, after doing all that she never returned my call or came by to get it. It really hurt my feelings. But whatever, I'm sure she just forgot or something. Anyway, I called her at four when it was done but her phone was turned off so I left her a voicemail. She didn't call back so I tried at eight again (this time I used my cell phone instead of the home phone--later I realized the first time I called it was her old number in the address book) Anyway, she didn't answer the phone when I called at eight and she still hasn't called. It's upsetting. I am tired of doing nice things for people. And now I have a whole cake to eat by myself. Just what I need. =/

Honestly, these last few weeks have been straining and I am losing all faith in humanity. I feel like I want to become a recluse and not care about anyone or anything. It just seems easier. It seems that's what everyone else does anyway.

And now I will stretch out on my new comfy carpet. mmm

Put your thinking caps on. Here we go!

I typically drive by my old high school twice a week. And every time I suddenly feel very old but stable. Time continues and mostly everything remains the same. The building is the same; the students are there. The world continues even though I am not there to experience it. It honestly comforts me. I like to know my memory/history of the school continues, as if it being there confirms where I am at now. I wonder if the same teachers are there or if they moved on. It doesn't seem like people keep jobs forever like they used to.

There was an article making the rounds on the interweb the other day about free will. Some scientists made these people read a book about how we are essentially nothing but neurons and responses; thus everything is predetermined and our interest and ability to make moral choices is pointless (since we will only react in a certain way anyway). Then the scientists had their participants take a math test where they could cheat. The scientists then concluded that the people who cheated were the ones more prone to believe they were nothing but neurons and responses. Their hypotheses went as far as saying that if people did believe this, crime would increase because there would be an apathy towards "morality."

In other words, I think the article was vaguely trying to get across that we are indoctrinated at a young age to react or act in certain ways. It is called hegemony. Thus, we have no free will because we are bound by our collaborated social upbringing. I suppose my adaptation is the social theory of it, not the scientific theory--either way they both fail to put choice in the equation even though they are examining free will.

Our whole world is set up on binary situations: we only know good or bad; although, there is sometimes a gray area. It's not our fault: the English language was based upon the binary principle. How else do we understand the world except through language? What else can we use to verbally communicate and define what we want to express to each other? Either it is a "tree" or not; love or hate; black or white; soft, hard. We have a choice to do something or nothing. And if we have a choice or an option doesn't that mean we retain free will?

Or should we take this further and say those "options" are dictated by our experiences? And as our only options which are predetermined, it is not free will? But at the same time, the person must choose one. So even in a limited way, a person has the ability to make a decision. Hopefully it is the right decision that is socially accepted by their peers.

I wish I could find the link for that article. It was on digg tuesday but after searching for an hour I couldn't find it.

Anyway, I believe we do have free will. Perhaps we are limited in how we respond to situations, but there always is a "higher road." Even in that test the scientists conducted, the participants could choose to be honest. And that is the hope for man kind and our gift and curse from God.

Fridays are the Best Days.

All's well on the Western front. Well sort of.

The carpet pad inspector came out today. He discovered that we have four different carpet pads. Only one of them is the correct one. And that one is only in our Master bedroom. Anyway, we sent an email to Pulte. If this doesn't get resolved soon we will be reporting them to the ROC. Oh and large chunks of carpet pad are missing from my house now too as they are "samples."

Besides that I have had a fabulous day off. I woke up early and had some pad tai for breakfast.. hah I know I should have had cereal or something conventional right? I lounged by the pool and read a naughty romance novel. Men should read those and take pointers. The muscular tantalizing male lead always says the right things at the right time to make a girl go ooooo I want him. The hero of this book is a torn man with silver eyes who has to seek revenge on his brother's murders. He is mysterious. He is dark. He is beautiful and has wit (or at least what the author considers wit). Oh and did I mention he has a very long, hard sword? Ha, anyway, he wasn't as dominating as Rhett Butler, but for a cheap romance novel it was a good read.

Tomorrow is my cousin's birthday. I think I am going to go over to her house early and go swimming with them. Ryan is working tomorrow all day. I hope they feed him. I also have to make her birthday present. Let's just say it's everyones favorite desert. And it starts with a C. I can't believe it's already four! When I am at work the day seems so long.

Tonight I think I am going to con Ryan into going to the Jazz Coffee house and play cards with me. mwhahah. It is a fun cheap date. Although he is too good at games and never lets me wins. But we will see how he does at cards. *twiddles fingers* I am good at cards.... then again I thought that about chess and checkers which he totally destroyed me at. I thought I was the best checkers player ever; but then I realized I only really played against my Grandma.

TCM means Traditional Chinese Medicine.

If I had to have the body of a woman Olympian, I would want a volleyball player's. All the other women look like they mutated themselves for their sport. Although, the under-aged Chinese gymnasts sure look cute and tiny. But I doubt they have periods.

I think my car is trying to kill me. It has long been known, since I bought my car, that the air conditioner has... issues. If I put it higher than two, the car breaks down. And two feels like a one on most cars. It's horrible. Anyway, I had to go to several different stops today, of course during the afternoon. And well, seeing that it was 112, my car just couldn't recover enough to get cooled down. I had to resort to rolling down the windows while I drove. It wasn't refreshing, but considering I had sweat all over, it did work better than the stupid air conditioner. I will have to sell my car in the winter.

Work tomorrow. Angela put it into perspective for me: It's something to do. I had forgotten that. Aubrey also called me today and she cheered me up a lot =). She has tempted me with free tickets to somewhere in the U.S. I told Ryan about it thinking we could go to Washington to see his family and he got all frustrated. I don't know why.

And now I have to go make my husband's lunch. go me.

i'm eating cupcakes.

I made cupcakes last night. I was only able to craft 7 roses before my hand cramped up for good. I don't think I will be doing that again. It is a three hour event and super messy.

I saw my old youth pastor at church today. I haven't seen him since he left my old church. He looked the same and so did his wife. All the awkward memories of high school came back in those moments. The only thing I missed about high school was that I had friends to hang out with. I need a friend. I thought about getting a dog, but I can't for family reasons. I don't think we could even afford a dog either. Lately life has been lonely. And I'm wondering if I should have went to England after I graduated.

toodles and poodles

So many of you say, "Chelsey, your posts are so sparse, what have you been up to?" Well my dear friends, (do I sound like McCain?)

Besides work I have been cleaning, cooking, sleeping. I want to say its been a rejuvenating time for me. But I feel like I am sinking further into a sandy grave. I want to ask people who work full time, "How do you do it?" But then I think if I do, they will realize they can't and I will have ruined their life. On the other hand, some people really do love working. I guess I like folding mail and running it through the stamp machine.

Sometimes I catch a smell or a feeling I had when I was in London. It sends me back instantly to the school computer lab. I would describe it for you, but it's my private memory. If I left a memory ghost anywhere, I suppose that would be the place. Do you ever force yourself to remember something? I do it all the time. I will stop and stare at something and tell myself, remember this: it's important. It seems to work because when I recall a place I can vividly remember the image I looked at. It is wonderful in a sense; yet horribly disappointing when I return to a spot and find it changed. I know my European experience can never be relived again. Nothing would be the same. But I still dream about it. It was the one place where I grew up. The freedom was reviving, exhilarating. I literally felt like I could accomplish anything I wanted. Surrounded with those buildings, the history, and those stuffy secluded people makes the imagination invulnerable.

What am I anyway? Am I a post-college abomination? Is this it? Is this what it means to be thrown out into a declining society where jobs are clouded by consumer bureaucracy and prejudices? I feel boxed in and lied to. They say, "Go to college and the stars are yours!" Granted, I loved the professors I met at college and the literature I was exposed to, but any good tutor could have provided that for me. Yes I know, I am an unmotivated whiner.

I am also becoming increasingly paranoid about the amount of information being stored on databases about us. (Even though we willingly put most of the information on the databases ourselves) On digg.com the other day, an article popped up saying google was creating a face distortion machine to take random faces, pulled from the internet, and blending them with their street cam images (so innocent walkers wouldn't be identified). This is a great idea, yet, YET, they are taking images from flickr. Then again, nothing is private online, right? Oh except your online bill pay, purchases, and banking of course...

Not to mention what is happening in China right now. 300,000 surveillance cams went up with face identification abilities, they bugged most of the taxis, and there were even rumors of hotels having peek-a-boo mirrors where the staff can spy on their guests. Let's not forget the internet nonsense. I wonder who they are looking for, and if they will catch them. We will probably know in another thirty years.

Then in Great Britain (yes I know they have way more cam surveillance than China) a engineer professor hacked into the chip on a passport and changed all the identification information on it! In an hour! "They," whoever they are, are hoping other people won't figure out how to hack the chip. /big slant face. So next time you go through an airport and suddenly you are identified as a terrorist, thank your friendly hacker.

Alright, I am off to have horrible spy dreams. Cheers to the most random post. But hey, it was bound to happen. It's been a week after all.

Oh baby elephants.

I just realized that I like reality T.V. because it shows normal, ordinary looking women. And if they do happen to be pretty, you can see their "personality." It's nice.

I would say you get to see normal, ordinary men too, but you can get that on scripted T.V. anyway. Why are there so many fat male actors? Or ugly ones at that? I wish someone would raise the bar. If we have to have beautiful women in movies, let's have beautiful men too. In other words, Christian Bale or James McAvoy should be in every movie.

I'll come up with a more thoughtful post later. It just seems that the longer I work, the less time or thought process I have to devote to this. And that is lame.