childhood lost

I had a heart-to-heart chat with my grandpa at my cousin's birthday party. We haven't had one of those since I was in high school I am ashamed to say. I was sitting in Tim and Shari's backyard drinking a bottle of water and staring at the pool when he came out. He sat with me and we just started talking. I told him about a few of the things that were bothering me; unfortunately, I couldn't help from crying. He looked so distressed at me and told me everything would be okay and to not give a damn about it. I knew it upset him that I was crying but I couldn't help it. He just sat there staring at the pool with me and patting my knee. It was one of those precious moments I will always remember.

When I was younger, probably in fourth grade, he had a stroke or a heart attack or something. I was too young to know what exactly. I remember everyone being so anxious and tense. I could even draw you a diagram of the hospital layout, the waiting room, and his bedroom. I started praying that he would live till I was married, and I knew in my heart that would happen. I just had a peace about it.

He has always been my buddy. Anyway later in the evening at my cousin's party, I was sitting on the couch. I was staring into space and grandpa snapped his fingers asking what I was thinking about. The horror of it was that I was thinking about his death, that he would someday die and I wouldn't have him around to talk to. I startled me pretty bad and I just dismissed it and said "Oh nothing."

I honestly don't know what brought all this to mind now or why it is bothering me. I just needed to get it off my chest.