sometimes I feel like a warrior

avoiding hidden land mines, or engaging in power struggles.

Lately I have become hyper-aware of how our life hinges on the decisions we make. In the back of my mind I know decisions guide our direction; however, it was never an active thought. Instead, I made decisions based on what was needed without much foresight. I think this is true for many people. For instance, on the news yesterday two brothers were at a party. They had been drinking, and one had a heart attack. So the other brother drove him to the hospital. Unfortunately, he was driving over the speed limit and swerving. A police man tried to pull him over and a cop chase of seven police cars followed them to the hospital. The driver thought they would understand. Instead he was arrested for DUI, speeding, and avoiding a police officer. He could serve time, but either way his decision to drive his brother to the hospital will cost him his job. He is a trucker driver under a zero tolerance for drinking and driving policy. One decision to drive his brother or call the ambulance changed that man's life. And I doubt he even spent much time thinking about it. Which is scary. It makes me wonder how far away I am from making a decision that lands me in jail.

Let's take it on an even smaller scale. The words we use when we talk to others are as much of our decision process as anything. Perhaps the most damaging is when an Aunt laughs at her chubby nine year old niece saying, "I could fit into your pants!" Again I doubt if she thought about what she was saying. Instead she was probably feeding her ego and vanity at the cost of a little girl.

Words. Who really has control of them? Even more so, who can control what they say in uncomfortable situations when we should be on our best behavior... And they never go away. They are etched in our personal record. Once the rock hits, we pick it up and add it to our load.

Even now I am just spewing warm words across the page.

I just remembered! I want to be a poet!

Poetry Day

Stevie Smith - Not Waving But Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.



I know I have posted the next two poems many times before. But they fit my mood today. Also I am including one verse from another poem that is simply brilliant. The poem is too long for me to care to type it out, so check it out on your own if you fancy.

The Road by Russel Edson

There was a road that leads him to go to find a certain time where he sits.

Smokes quietly in the evening by the four legged table wagging its
(well why not) tail, friendly chap.

Hears footsteps, looks to find his own feet gone.

The road absorbs everything with rumors of sleep.

And then he looked for himself and even he was gone.

--Looked for the road and even that...

The Fall by Russel Edson

There was a man who found two leaves and came indoors holding
them out saying to his parents that he was a tree.

To which they said then go into the yard and do not row in the living
room as your roots may ruin the carpet.

He said I was fooling I am not a tree and he dropped his leaves.

But his parents said look it is fall.

The Dainty One by Russel Edson

"...One feels that things are about to change. I have felt this way all my life. It
is a readiness that robs every act of meaning, making every situation
obsolete, putting the present into the past..."

Plant Life!

I received a few plants for Christmas, and they actually grew!