Magical doors, flying carpets, and howl.

How many women do you think name their babies after romance novel characters?

Today was very nice. I finished my book series, Howls Moving Castle and Castle in the Air by Diana Wynne Jones. She is a great author and British, which reaffirms my belief that Brit writers are the best in the world. The movie Howl's Moving Castle is probably the first movie that is actually better than the book. Although, both are amazing stories. The movie follows the book's plot and dialog line for line for the first bit. Then it changes it up and makes the characters have more of a love interest. It helps that sexy Christian Bale's voice is howl. Both versions are wonderful.

Tomorrow I am making cream of asparagus soup. Fry's grocery store had a sale on asparagus. =D It's still going until Wednesday.

Well, I will end this desultory entry for some sleep.

WAIT I can't hold my excitement. While searching amazon, I just found Wynne Jones new sequel to those books! I must put a hold on it at the library. And no, it isn't sad that I read children stories. hah.

Sleepy time yet?

(This is the most happiest, bestest, magnificent, picture ever that I found online three years ago. Sorry to whoever took this picture. I love it and if I knew who you were I'd give you credit. But I can't. But let me tell you, I have this as my desktop picture all the time, and it brings a smile to my face. So thank you mystery photographer. And thank you brilliant licky baby hedgehog.)

Wow, three days went fast. Well, kinda. The evenings did. I don't think I started at a good time. Jamie (my boss) is jammed with the accounts payable and getting everyone their paycheck and getting the financial statement done, in four days. So I wasn't very helpful as she didn't have time to tell me or train me what to do. Thus, I have been scanning millions and millions of old pages into a computer. Millions. And I only have one paper cut. Woots. Anyway, I did get to fill out the truckers stuff. I am not sure what I did exactly, But apparently it was getting their invoices ready to be put in the computer so they could be paid. I will like it more when I know what I am doing. It will probably slow down next week. Brian the owner is also an interesting guy. He is always yelling and puffing and stampeding about. A producer called today and asked if he would want to do a business reality tv show. We were wondering if that meant the whole office or just him going off to a business competition or something. Everyone is really nice in the office though. And I have an awesome desk with everything I could possibly need, seriously because I get to do the office orders too.

I don't know what tomorrow will hold. But I do know I have a lot of cleaning to do. And grocery shopping. I think grocery shopping is going on the List of Things I Hate Most Doing next to going to the bank, getting gas, calling insurance companies, and going to the doctors.

Joe our Pulte Customer Relations Idiot is not doing his job again. After two carpet specialists coming out and saying our carpet pad is defective and needs to be replaced in its entirety, as in the whole house, Joe comes back and says they are only willing to fix our living room and bedroom. Ryan said okay. Then I said HELL NO. So Ryan called Joe and Joe is not calling us back, which in all honesty is typical from his previous behavior. I will be calling corporate next week if Ryan doesn't get a hold of someone tomorrow. This has gone on long enough (two months now).

Anyway, I am tired. Nighters

Here I am at the crest of a new adventure. I prepared myself by purchasing a few new shirts and a new pair of jeans. Hopefully it will distract the locals from my "newness." Or maybe it will accentuate it. Tomorrow I start my new job.

I am beginning to see the laundry machine as a giant salad spinner.

Couch, laptop, and tv = writing time.

So I am sitting here watching MTV, and I really don’t understand what I am watching. It’s called Once Upon a Prom… where someone famous takes someone to the prom…? Where have our standards gone. These kids are going crazy about this event. I don’t know if it’s because it’s on T.V. or if it’s because one person will be selected by a famous person… I don’t get it. (The famous person is taylor swift; I don’t know who that is; google says shes a country singer) However, comments such as “This is the biggest day of my life. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am the luckiest guy in school.” are horrifying! How pitiful, pathetic, upsetting, and devastating that this, this as in going to prom with a hottie and being envied by everyone, is the best thing that could happen to him. Really? Really? If I have children I hope I instill self-worth, character, moral values, goals, personality, and love in my kid. I almost added “normalcy” to that list when I realized normal is the reaction of these high school kids…

On that note, we are watching Gundam Wing Mobile Suit through netflix, which I thought was a wonderful anime eight years ago. Anyway, in the anime, Japanese culture shines through brilliantly. Instances where dueling is upset by an untimely detonation are recovered by the enemy (Seks) when he rebuilds his enemy’s gundam (Hero) so they can fight with no handicaps at a later date. This is honor, it says. Whatever I say. However, it did make me think that yes, if I had to duel someone, I would want to fight someone who was fair. But then I realized I said that because I would use that to take advantage of them. But I like to live. These anime characters have no drive to live. Only to die for the common good. And if you don’t want to die for everyone else, you are weak. The word “weak” is used in every episode. Oh, and women mess everything up unless they are pacifists. As warriors they are “weak.” I think I only liked the anime because of Hero. At the time I wanted to marry someone like him. Because, let’s be honest, everyone fantasizes about a badass saving you all the time. Ryan and Hero are pretty similar, or at least their abilities with swords are. *grins*

I don’t understand how crickets keep getting in the house. PISSERS. He’s a quick one too--which btw the spider living in the garage turned out to be a black widow. Mom killed it.

Anyway, the next few weeks will be estranged. Ryan and I are on different schedules for a bit. Oh and we made home-made Chinese dumplings today. It took all day. So that will be a once in a decade event. And this MTV show is still stupid. Nighters.

Oh, before I end he says in the show "It just shows what kind of girl she is, I could honestly see marrying her someday." It being that she changed dresses to match his outfit. Oh and that she had seconds during dinner. Now if she had been fat, he probably would not have said that.

A Morphing Darkness

Today my ennui led me to read my old journal. I thought it was older than 2003. But it isn't. Anyway it brought up awkward feelings that directly tied to a dream I had last night. I know Freud is mocked by a lot of foppish people, but I think his dream theories make sense. I just wish he would analyze mine for me. My super-ego has too much composure to allow me any insight. Although, it does release a lot of my dreams to me, I am not sure if I should be grateful or depressed.

Why do dreams have the power to influence your day? Today I woke up in dread, feeling I should call the person from my dream and apologize, talk out, or mend the rift. How random would that be to actually do it? Considering the rift may be non-existent; we could just be separated by time and experience rather than twisted memories. The urge still remains.

How do people become separated and lost from each other? For instance, I would feel an extreme affectation towards anyone I talked to from high school. I wouldn't know what to say. I would feel self-conscious, guilty, shy. Mostly because I would wonder what they thought about the old and now new me. Or if I am new at all. I would think about everything I did wrong to them, everything I wish I didn't do to them. I wish I could get closer to my old "friends" without that guise.

Lately I have an affinity towards avoiding. I want to run in and out; subdue my worries and regrets; and not think. I should be able to call that person. I should be able to call my old friends. But I won't.

Thought of the Day:

Why did I even go to college?

spidersaver

I am having a fabulous day today. I was able to sleep in and Ryan has a half day at work. But I suppose one of the biggest updates is that I was hired for that job. So now I am a part-time housewife =). I start next week or the week after depending on when the head boss gets back from vacation.

Last night we had a water filter guy come out. A lady called me the day before saying "We have your 50 dollar gift card we would like to bring out to you." And I said sure! knowing we could use the money for paint. Anyway, the water guy came and he was here for two and a half hours.... He thoroughly proved to me that our water is disgusting and filled with poison. We kept asking him how much the system cost and he would not answer us. So finally I said it must be 4,000! Which he smiled at. After going through his WHOLE demonstration he finally tells us its 6,600 if you pay in full. If you pay over time at $92.00 a month, we could pay it off in five years. Ryan and I tried not to laugh. We would like to buy their system, we told him, but we need to save up for it. At which point he told us we were foolish for not having debt and you need debt for good credit. We smiled politely and pointed out we're paying off our house for credit. Oh silly people. Anyway, he left us the giftcard and it was a fun experience.

This morning I just finished my breakfast when I saw this freaky looking spider/scorpion on my wall. I stood still not knowing what to do (because obviously the bug could devour me if I moved). I decided it was too interesting looking to squish it with my tissue. So instead I grab a cup and the costco ad. I slammed the cup on the wall over the bug. The bug started jumping around in the cup totally freaking out. I then slid the costco ad under the cup and gently transported him outside by my neighbors house. Anyway, I looked online to find out more about jumping spiders. I found one at my mom's house before and it had pinchers/claws like a scorpion. It turns out they don't have deadly venom, and they are curious creatures. They also use a silk line when they jump so they can climb back up if they fall.

redefining success

So here I am, sitting on the couch with my chores half done. I am getting sick of it personally. Wake up, make bed, unload dishwasher, make breakfast, take clothes out of dryer, fold clothes, hang clothes, start cleaning then it fluctuates from there. I feel trapped, lonely, desperate. *edit* After reflection on this thought I realize I am resenting my job at home because I know my time is limited. So every second I'm doing something I don't want to, I begin to hate it. Go go job hunting.. *end edit* Europe seems more appealing and I am starting to regret not moving there. I want to backpack Europe and see things. I want to learn another language. I want to travel. And that is about all I want to do. The list of what I don’t want to do is extensive. Yet would I be happy if I traveled and escaped “now?” I don’t know. Probably not. My values are out of whack. I know I need to work; I know I need to grow up. But I’m scared and selfish. I’d rather escape to another reality in a game or book or movie or TV. Finding the inspiration to do anything is problematic. But in my defense, I’ve applied to jobs, gone on interviews, paid bills, made every meal, cleaned every dish, grocery shopped and called insurance companies. I went to church on Sunday and he asked us what our values are. Make a list he said. So here are my values or goals or attitudes:
1. Be important and admired
2. Live comfortably
3. Do anything to get my way
4. Put myself first because I’m my own best friend

I knew, when I graduated I wanted to change my values, that I wanted to put my family and friends first; that I wanted to live life, not chase it down. I wanted to take life slower, not race through it like I was, to build lasting and important relationships, to help and love others. My way of life before was so rotten, hollow, and un-gratifying, but it seemed innocuous right? My current/old values are hegemonic. That is what we are told to value. I vowed to break from that when I graduated. Yet here I am petrified, anxious, depressed about making career choices. I want that fancy job that everyone will be impressed with. I want it to pay a LOT of money. And I want to call the shots there. Sounds like the old values to me.

This is what I want on a real level: A nice office with good computers, an understanding and patient manager, very little office drama, close to home so I don’t have to drive during rush hour, work that is important/helps people. But when I find an office like that, I realize I am actually looking for a job with the old values. I feel guilty for accepting a job that isn’t my dream job. I feel depressed for not living up to my prestigious potential. I worry about what my family will say. I worry about what my friends will think. But I need to work right? So who cares. The pastor said something interesting too. He was referring to 1 John 2.15-17. We crave the world, worldly attitudes, worldly things, worldly lifestyles so we can boast and be admired, so we can make others envious and less important. But really when we boast we are saying we are better than God that we can do things without him and don’t need him. And that is not the case for me. I am so tired of that attitude and desire. I am tired of living to impress. But it is hard to change. Everything in me fights it; it feels unnatural to not care about status; it is unnatural to not care about money. Anyway, I guess what this comes down to is me redefining my values and definition of success. As of now I want to define success as… I’m not sure. I am going to think about it some more. What is success? If you base your success on an achievement you will always be disappointed because achievements are meant to be broken. Someone will always be better. So what is success?

Okay, so I will admit I have been depressed lately. But today my dad called and said he has an interview for me if I want it. And I said yes! It is on Monday and he said he thinks it can be part-time. It's office work and it is right down the street. So I wouldn't have to deal with rush-hour traffic! Which makes me super happy. Anyway! I am pretty excited about it! I love being a housewife, and now with this I will be able to still be a housewife and get everything I need done plus make some money for us!

Today there is a mixer downtown at a newspaper from 4-6. Unfortunately we have the security system guys coming today at 3, if they are done by 3:30 I will know I'm supposed to go. If not, well I won't be able to make it to the mixer. I checked their website and they don't have any copy editing positions open anyway.

The cox cable person is here. And I am losing internet for a day. Till then!

bleh

I applied for two receptionist/administrative assistant positions today and one managing editor position. The last one is scary because its something I desperately want to do, but there seems like there is more risk involved. Because I want to prove I'm great at it hah. But I worry I will be horrible. Anywho, one of the positions is part-time which would be hot. But I don't know. The job fair tomorrow is for sales and marketing... which I'm not that big into. I think I will go anyway because it's good practice. Which reminds me, I need to write up a resume for that....