Today my ennui led me to read my old journal. I thought it was older than 2003. But it isn't. Anyway it brought up awkward feelings that directly tied to a dream I had last night. I know Freud is mocked by a lot of foppish people, but I think his dream theories make sense. I just wish he would analyze mine for me. My super-ego has too much composure to allow me any insight. Although, it does release a lot of my dreams to me, I am not sure if I should be grateful or depressed.
Why do dreams have the power to influence your day? Today I woke up in dread, feeling I should call the person from my dream and apologize, talk out, or mend the rift. How random would that be to actually do it? Considering the rift may be non-existent; we could just be separated by time and experience rather than twisted memories. The urge still remains.
How do people become separated and lost from each other? For instance, I would feel an extreme affectation towards anyone I talked to from high school. I wouldn't know what to say. I would feel self-conscious, guilty, shy. Mostly because I would wonder what they thought about the old and now new me. Or if I am new at all. I would think about everything I did wrong to them, everything I wish I didn't do to them. I wish I could get closer to my old "friends" without that guise.
Lately I have an affinity towards avoiding. I want to run in and out; subdue my worries and regrets; and not think. I should be able to call that person. I should be able to call my old friends. But I won't.
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