looking forward

Have you seen the life alert commercials? It depicts an old person falling down, unable to receive help until a magic life alert button located on a necklace comes to the rescue. One lady stated, “It let’s me live independently.” It got me thinking about how horrible it will be to be that age. I tried imaging how the people looked 50 years ago—young, athletic, vibrant, like my friends I guess. Now, they are shadows of their former self. Wrinkled, pale, small, see-through, their bodies faded illusions; their voices cracked harmonies of what they used to be. And that is what we all come to: wilted leaves, curling, drying, and brittle. I tried to regain composure by assuring myself Ryan will be with me to call a hospital if I fracture my hip. But who knows? I then decided, yes, I would get life alert if I was alone and vulnerable. What will life be like then? If he dies first. Everyday would seem like an extension of grasping minutes, a prolonging of death itself. How does death come? Does it come like sleep? How do we fall asleep? How does one become old?

My grandpa hasn’t come to terms with age. I suppose I will be like that. He tries stubbornly to accomplish what he used to in his twenties. He was strong, energetic, like John Wayne I suppose. He still is, and he is still very handsome. But it is hard for him to be limited by his body. To be trapped by degeneration. Even his mind can’t escape. His memories flitter between past and present confusing him, adding to his frustration. It must be horrible. He said two years ago when he found out what would happen, “Well, I guess it won’t matter when it happens because I won’t know it.”

There is nothing more devastating than that statement. He won’t know. His lifetime of memories, goals, dreams, his life will dissolve and he won’t know. Maybe that is why I write and why I have always wrote. To remind myself of what I have lived through. To document something so I won’t forget. Pictures act the same way I suppose; perhaps that is why people go nuts when they go on vacation. Document their present new experience so they won’t forget what they paid all that money for.

This is a topic that plagues me… losing time, aging. I suppose that is why I try to make the most of my time and move quickly. I look at people at work who are older than me, as in grandparents, and I wonder what they thought of when they were my age. What they went through. What they think now looking at me. It isn’t that long until I will be their age. We are but the mist to paraphrase the Bible. I don’t want to waste my time. I also don’t want to lose any of my older friends or my grandpa. But that is something I will have to come to terms with. Our bodies and this life is not immortal.