Daily Devotions

"...all the people did whatever seemed right in their own eyes." Judges 21: 25

I thought about different ways to start this blog and even wrote them out, but nothing feels right. So here we go: My devotions for the past week have been reading through the book of Judges. Now, this may sound boring to you. "Judges, what is in Judges?" You may say. My answer? A lot of good stuff that speaks to our culture today.

The thing that sticks out to me the most is this phrase, which is repeated throughout the book, "...all the people did whatever seemed right in their own eyes." Before this book, Israel was saved by God from slavery to the Egyptians. Through plagues, parting of the sea, manna from heaven, pillars of smoke and fire, and water from a rock, these people saw the miracles and providence of God. Yet, they were still unfaithful to Him. They complained, sinned, and forgot their God to the point that God refused that generation from ever reaching the promise land. Instead, it was given to their children. These children saw the power of God as they claimed the land as their own. The walls of Jericho tumbled; the enemy which was as numerous as the sands was destroyed. Yet, as God warned, they became too comfortable and lived an easy life that they forgot God. This is where Judges picks up. Here the first and second generation of the children of the promise land failed to completely claim the land as their own. They made treaties with those God told them not to. They didn’t get rid of the idols in the land, and those idols were a poisonous snare. Each generation experienced immorality, oppression from their enemies, then redemption though God’s grace and saving power. Yet each generation went further and further from God. Instead of worshiping the true God, they cast idols they made themselves. Instead of acknowledging God’s power and might, they claimed it as their own. Instead of turning to God for answers, “the people did whatever seemed right in their own eyes.”

I just returned from a missionary trip to Thailand. While there, the power of God could be felt. The miracles and providence of God could be seen. Yet here I am, back at home where it is easy and comfortable. Here I am ready to forget my daily devotions and my time of worship because I would rather watch The Price is Right. This was the beginning of the folly of the Israelites. It is also the sin of America. A whole nation believes in this philosophy, “as long as it doesn’t hurt others, then what is the problem?” Sin is sin. There is a right and a wrong. May God make us wise enough to discern the issues of life.

I can't express in words all that Judges has taught me in the last eight days. But I know I don't want to forget God, turn from him, or slip into sin slowly without noticing until it is too late. The lessons of others are so valuable, yet they are often overlooked. I don't want to do what is right in my eyes or your eyes. I want to follow God and do what is right in His eyes. One way I can do this is to continue reading the Bible everyday. Worship, something the Israelites neglected, is one way to stay committed and focused. Another is to not let pride or self-entitlement cause me to claim God's glory for my own (like Samson). All I can say is Judges is a great book and God is really patient and loving.

Desert Dragon Pottery!

So, I have wanted to make this update for a long time--basically since I took my mom to this place in July/August.

But this story really begins when I was a young girl still living with my parents. One day my mom said to me, "You know, I was really good at pottery when I was in high school." I think she said this to me in middle school. Just in case you were wondering. Then she said, "I made this little clay elephant, and I loved it. But it is lost now."
For some reason, this conversation has stuck with me for 10+ years.

Holidays or birthdays generally stress me out because I want to give an awesome gift that the other person will really love. But I rarely find these gifts. In particular, I struggle with finding gifts for my mom. If she wants something, she will buy it. But then one day, when I was perusing Groupon, I saw an advertisement for Desert Dragon Pottery! I realized, my mom could relive her childhood! So I bought two. What made it better was that it was literally 7 minute drive from her house!

She had no idea what was waiting for her. I told her we were going on an outing which might take half the day, and she should wear something messy. This slightly distressed her, so I told her what we were doing. She sounded somewhat excited but more or less hesitant.

When we drove to the place, it was a little strange. I thought it would be an actual studio in a business building. Instead, it was in the garage of someone's house on a dirt lot accompanied by a dirt road. It was a bit strange. It was also strange that we were the only ones (only car) there when we were meeting for a class, which I was told was going to be full.

At this point, my mom was pretty skeptical. I won't lie. I was too. Well we got out of the car and stood outside for a bit, not really sure where to go plus the place looked deserted.

I finally asked, "Do you think we go in there?" Pointing to the garage. Before my mom could even answer, a black cat materialized out of no where and looked at us then walked to the garage door, then looked at us again as if saying, "In here!" It was, in fact, a magical moment.

Well, when given this situation, who wouldn't follow a black cat. So we did this and we found our teacher. She wasn't really ready for us or prepared or even happy to see us. But we got her to warm up to us later.


The teacher finally decided to start class after another lady strolled in. It seemed the rest of the people were driving as a group and were late. In other words, we just scored a private pottery wheel lesson! She gave us enough clay to make three pieces and really helped us make something that didn't look like it came from kindergarten.

When we were done, we were told to come back in three weeks to paint it. This was all included in the groupon! :) (on a side note, this studio really dabbles in all forms of clay art-sculpture, pottery wheel, all types of kilns, and has pieces already made in case you just want to paint pottery).

So we did.

We were allowed to use any glaze of any type and encouraged to really try the different varieties they had. It was really fun! And there wasn't a time limit. Since it was an independent studio (and not 'the man'), they even said we could come back and finish our pieces later. I will be honest and say the owners are not the friendliest people, but once they get used to you being in their space they start to warm up.

So, I think it was a successful birthday gift. Although it wasn't an elephant, my mom got to relive her past interests and paint her own work of art/bowl/cup/thing. We also met a magical cat.

Gleeming

One more quote from Charlotte Bronte! This time from Villette chapter 35. I did not want to lose this passage:

"The incapables! Could they not see at once the crude hand of a novice in that composition they called a forgery? The subject was classical. When M. Paul dictated the trait on which the essay was to turn, I heard it for the first time; the matter was new to me, and I had no material for its treatment. But I got books, read up the facts, laboriously constructed a skeleton out of the dry bones of the real, and then clothed them, and tried to breathe into them life, and in this last aim I had pleasure. With me it was a difficult and anxious time till my facts were found, selected, and properly jointed; nor could I rest from research and effort till I was satisfied of correct anatomy; the strength of my inward repugnance to the idea of flaw or falsity sometimes enabled me to shun egregious blunders; but the knowledge was not there in my head, ready and mellow; it had not been sown in Spring, grown in Summer, harvested in Autumn, and garnered through Winter; whatever I wanted I must go out and gather fresh; glean of wild herbs my lapful, and shred them green into the pot. Messieurs Boissec and Rochemorrte did not perceive this. They mistook my work for the work of a ripe scholar."

I have felt this way many times. :)

Reflections :)

Okay. Well I finished Shirley a long time ago, but never made it back to post my final reflections. And this is what I decided: I want to be best friends with Charlotte Bronte. She may have made harsh, valid comments about marriage, but in the end she does endorse it. But only for those who have stood the test of time, waited out the lust (yes men, keep your penis in your pants till married!), and truly know each other. I can see the importance of that. I think a lot of times people get married then wonder what they married. Or they don't love each other enough in the right ways. Mmm, what I mean by that is, they love each other because they meet each other's needs, but when those resources dry up from fatigue or boredom/routine the love can fade. Instead, love should be based on God, friendship, otherness, patience, trust, goodwill, and tenderness. I would love to be able to love like that and be loved that way. Am I not mature enough? I don't know. Am I too selfish? Yes. Definitely, yes. I honestly want to cherish my husband as someone precious. :) That is a good goal isn't it? Because he is!

I read Villette by Charlotte Bronte shortly after Shirley, and I enjoyed it so much more. I think I even like it more than Jane Eyre because it captures the loneliness and fears of woman so well. I want to buy my own copy :)

Mmm, besides that, I got my first evaluation from work today in the mail, and I passed with excellent marks. :) I was even able to see the nice things students said about me! :) I love compliments.

hoot

I'm still a night owl :D

Since you have indulged me this far...

One more then I am done :)

"'I often wonder, Shirley, whether most men resemble my uncle in their domestic relations; whether it is necessary to be new and unfamiliar to them, in order to see agreeable or estimable in their eyes; and whether it is impossible to their natures to retain a constant interest and affection for those they see every day.'

'I don't know: I can't clear up your doubts. I ponder over similar ones myself sometimes. But, to tell you a secret, if I were convinced that they are necessarily and universally different from us--fickle, soon petrifying, unsympathizing--I would never marry. I should not like to find out that what I loved did not love me, that it was weary of me, and that whatever effort I might make to please would hereafter be worse than useless, since it was inevitably in its nature to change and become indifferent. That discovery once made, what should I long for? To go away--to remove from presence where my society gave no pleasure.'

'But you could not, if you were married.'

'No, I could not,--there it is. I could never be my own mistress more. A terrible thought! --it suffocates me! Nothing irks me like the idea of being a burden and a bore,--an inevitable burden, --a ceaseless bore! Now, when I feel my company superfluous, I can comfortably fold my independence round me like a mantle, and drop my pride like a veil, and withdraw to solitude. If married, that could not be.'

'I wonder we don't all make up our minds to remain single,' said Caroline: 'we should if we listened to the wisdom of experience. My uncle always speaks of marriage as a burden; and I believe whenever he hears of a man being married, he invariably regards him as a fool, or, at any rate, as doing a foolish thing.'

'But, Caroline, men are not all like your uncle: surely not--I hope not.'
She paused and mused.

'I suppose we each find an exception in the one we love, till we are married,' suggested Caroline.

'I suppose so: and this exception we believe to be of sterling materials; we fancy it like ourselves; we imagine a sense of harmony. We think his voice gives the softest, truest, promise of heart that will never harden against us: we read in his eyes that faithful feeling--affection. I don't think we should trust to what they call passion, at all, Caroline. I believe it is a mere fire of dry sticks, blazing up and vanishing: but we watch him, and see him kind to animals, to little children, to poor people. He is kind to us likewise--good--considerate: he does not flatter women, but he is patient with them, and he seems to be easy in their presence, and to find their company genial. He likes them not only for vain and selfish reasons, but as we like him,--because we like him. Then we observe that he is just--that he always speaks the truth--that he is conscientious. We feel joy and peace when he comes into a room: we feel sadness and trouble when he leaves it. We know that this man has been a kind son, that he is a kind brother: will any one dare to tell me that he will not be a kind husband?'" Part II Chapter One


One more line about marriage: "and the second Mrs. Helstone, inverting the natural order of insect existence, would have fluttered through the honeymoon a bright, admired butterfly, and crawled the rest of her days a sordid, trampled worm." Part I Chapter VII

This brought tears to my eyes when I read it. hehe :)

More!

More from Shirley!

"Communicative on her own affairs she usually was not, because no one cared to listen to her; but today she became so, and her confidant shed tears as she heard her speak: for she told of cruel, slow-wasting, obstinate sufferings....

Miss Mann felt that she was understood partly, and wished to be understood further; for however old, plain, humble, desolate, afflicted we may be, so long as our hearts preserve the feeblest spark of life, they preserve also, shivering near that pale ember, a starved, ghostly longing for appreciation and affection. To this extenuated spectre, perhaps, a crumb is not thrown once a year; but when ahungered and athirst to famine--when all humanity has forgotten the dying tenant of a decaying house--Divine Mercy remembers the mourner, and a shower of manna falls for lips that early nutriment is to pass no more. Biblical promises, heard first in health, but then unheeded, come whispering to the couch of sickness: it is felt that a pitying God watches what all mankind have forsaken; the tender compassion of Jesus is recalled and relied on: the faded eye, gazing beyond Time, sees a Home, a Friend, a Refuge in Eternity." Chapter 10

This makes me wonder if it is women's plight to suffer loneliness, to feel abandoned, neglected, abused, mistreated, unloved, unwanted, alone at the sacrifice of loving others. I have felt many times like Miss Mann. What confounds me the most is, the cure Bronte offers seems to be wrapped up in good deeds, industry, or children. Are children that wonderful? I will have to think about this for awhile. How can so many current womanly issues be bound up in a book written 1849? I will have to say, I do not think God is the neglectful and chastising God as Bronte makes him out to be.

At Eighteen...

It has been so long that I had to look up my blog address on my facebook account. I don't really want to spend this time getting "caught up." Instead, I am going to copy some passages from Charlotte Bronte's 7th chapter of Shirley

"Caroline Helstone was just eighteen years old; and at eighteen the true narrative of life is yet to be commenced. Before that time, we sit listening to a tale, a marvelous fiction; delightful sometimes, and sad sometimes; almost always unreal. Before that time, our world is heroic; its inhabitants half-divine or semi-demon; its scenes are dream-scenes: darker woods, and stranger hills; brighter skies, more dangerous waters; sweeter flowers, more tempting fruits; wider plains, drearier deserts, sunnier fields than are found in nature, overspread our enchanted globe. What a moon we gaze on before that time! As to our sun, it is a burning heaven--the world of gods.

At that time--at eighteen, drawing near the confines of illusive, void dreams, Elf-land lies behind us, the shores of Reality rise in front. These shores are yet distant: they look so blue, soft, gentle, we long to reach them. In sunshine we see a greenness beneath the azure, as of spring meadows; we catch glimpses of silver lines, and imagine the roll of living waters. Could we but reach this land, we think to hunger and thirst no more; whereas man a wilderness, and often the flood of Death, or some stream of sorrow as cold and almost black as Death, is to be crossed ere true bliss can be tasted. Every joy that life gives must be earned ere it is secured; and how hardly earned, those only know who have wrestled for great prizes. The heart's blood must gem with red beads the brow of the combatant, before the wreath of victory rustles over it.

At eighteen, we are not aware of this. Hope, when she smiles on us, and promises happiness tomorrow, is implicitly believed; --Love, when he comes wandering like a lost angel to our door,is at once admitted, welcomed, embraced: his quiver is not seen; if his arrows penetrate, their wound is like a thrill of new life: there are no fears of poison, none of the barb which no leech's hand can extract: that perilous passion--an agony ever in some of its phases: with many, an agony throughout--is believed to be an unqualified good: in short, at eighteen, the school of Experience is still to be entered, and her humbling, crushing, grinding, but yet purifying and invigorating lessons are yet to be learnt.

Alas, Experience! No other mentor has so wasted and frozen a face as yours; none wears a robe so black, none bears a rod so heavy, none with hands so inexorable draws the novice so sternly to his task, and forces him with authority so resistless to its acquirement. It is by your instructions alone that man or woman can ever find a safe track through life's wilds: without it, how they stumble, how they stray! On what forbidden grounds do they intrude, down what dread declivities are the hurled!"

All I can say is, "Fact." and "Well said." :) I would have liked to been Charlotte Bronte's friend. She is so brilliant!!!!

sometimes I feel like a warrior

avoiding hidden land mines, or engaging in power struggles.

Lately I have become hyper-aware of how our life hinges on the decisions we make. In the back of my mind I know decisions guide our direction; however, it was never an active thought. Instead, I made decisions based on what was needed without much foresight. I think this is true for many people. For instance, on the news yesterday two brothers were at a party. They had been drinking, and one had a heart attack. So the other brother drove him to the hospital. Unfortunately, he was driving over the speed limit and swerving. A police man tried to pull him over and a cop chase of seven police cars followed them to the hospital. The driver thought they would understand. Instead he was arrested for DUI, speeding, and avoiding a police officer. He could serve time, but either way his decision to drive his brother to the hospital will cost him his job. He is a trucker driver under a zero tolerance for drinking and driving policy. One decision to drive his brother or call the ambulance changed that man's life. And I doubt he even spent much time thinking about it. Which is scary. It makes me wonder how far away I am from making a decision that lands me in jail.

Let's take it on an even smaller scale. The words we use when we talk to others are as much of our decision process as anything. Perhaps the most damaging is when an Aunt laughs at her chubby nine year old niece saying, "I could fit into your pants!" Again I doubt if she thought about what she was saying. Instead she was probably feeding her ego and vanity at the cost of a little girl.

Words. Who really has control of them? Even more so, who can control what they say in uncomfortable situations when we should be on our best behavior... And they never go away. They are etched in our personal record. Once the rock hits, we pick it up and add it to our load.

Even now I am just spewing warm words across the page.

I just remembered! I want to be a poet!

Poetry Day

Stevie Smith - Not Waving But Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.



I know I have posted the next two poems many times before. But they fit my mood today. Also I am including one verse from another poem that is simply brilliant. The poem is too long for me to care to type it out, so check it out on your own if you fancy.

The Road by Russel Edson

There was a road that leads him to go to find a certain time where he sits.

Smokes quietly in the evening by the four legged table wagging its
(well why not) tail, friendly chap.

Hears footsteps, looks to find his own feet gone.

The road absorbs everything with rumors of sleep.

And then he looked for himself and even he was gone.

--Looked for the road and even that...

The Fall by Russel Edson

There was a man who found two leaves and came indoors holding
them out saying to his parents that he was a tree.

To which they said then go into the yard and do not row in the living
room as your roots may ruin the carpet.

He said I was fooling I am not a tree and he dropped his leaves.

But his parents said look it is fall.

The Dainty One by Russel Edson

"...One feels that things are about to change. I have felt this way all my life. It
is a readiness that robs every act of meaning, making every situation
obsolete, putting the present into the past..."

Plant Life!

I received a few plants for Christmas, and they actually grew!

Things I am good at:

Lately I have been bombarded with negative thoughts and opinions. So I am going to replace those with good thoughts and things I am good at.

1. I am really good at driving (you may think not, but it's true!)
2. Make excellent home made pizza, cookies, and perfect al dente pasta
3. working with my hands
4. putting on eye makeup
5. time management
6. getting deals at the grocery store
7. finding the fastest route and rerouting
8. parking perfectly straight

perspective shift and reshift

I am focusing on today and not tomorrow, what I have already accomplished and not what I have yet to accomplish. I will worry about that when tomorrow becomes today. I will also cover my days in prayer and petition with thanksgiving.

Philippians 4:4-7

Because I believe in a God who delivers, who is near, and who wants good for me.

spare time!?

I have 30 minutes of freedom, but I don't know what to say... so hello!

Okay I think I will go to the library now. =)

a story of honorable violence!

We watched Fist of Legend last night. I decided that Jet Li is the coolest looking man ever and if he were to burst into my house with his fists loaded with kung fu, I would probably pee my pants.

despair

I started reading at 8 this morning. At 1 oclock I decided it was time to skim. At 2 I am done. If this is how all four of my classes are, I am in trouble.

*shaking from nerves*

2 Chronicles 15:7 "But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded."

ready set

I just had the most bizarre thought cross my mind a moment ago. I was reading a manga and said, "Oh if I could only have those set of problems instead of these!" How selfish and pathetic that is. It's the thorns that make the rose beautiful...hmm... that is slightly bleak... It's the rose that stems from the thorns that make it beautiful. That's better, but long.

Anyway, I had my first night. I don't know what to think of it. I'm sure my impressions will be made vocal later on as I do the reading and work. I forget that I have homework to do now. It is the farthest from my mind.... I feel so lazy, so adamantly lazy. I need to slap my brain with prestigious books. /sigh Tomorrow I shall start!

Goodbye children stories, goodbye my shallow thinking and reflections! I did enjoy your languid freedom...


I still have no intention of getting a job after this.

Again, I return to a part-time housewife; but I think I will leave my image the same =)

Okay! Tomorrow is the day for new beginnings and continuations (does that even make sense?) of things I thought I would never ever make myself do again. But instead of feeling despair, fear, and contempt (emotions I temporarily fiddled with) I have a burst of courage! And oddly enough, I almost feel a sense of comfort about going back. *Ticks list off fingers* Same teachers, buildings, classroom, even same classmates! It's almost like I am returning from a journey to a strange small "self-proclaimed intellectual" village.

Let's just hope my brain is ready for this challenge.

****We'll sit down in our thinking chair and think, think, thinnkk. Cuz when we use our minds and take a step at a time, we can do anything that we wanna do.... **** or something like that.

Praise God for his faithfulness =) Also, I want to get a book that has all the Hebrew names of God in it. Does anyone know of a good one?

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me lately!! I love you and I really appreciate all your kind words!!

whhhyyy

I had a pretty cool dream last night, but then the "hero" turned out to be an exboyfriend??? I woke up totally confused and couldn't remember the rest of the dream. There was a hidden cave involved, a castle, and a valley with a lake. When I have dreams like this it makes me feel unfaithful. But I can't control it! Ugh.