a week of meloncoly

Here we go. Tomorrow is the funeral of a precious three year old Teigan. She was shot in the head by her father on Father's day, then he shot himself. I only met her twice, the last time was at my brother's wedding. She was a flower girl. I don't understand the evil that took place. I don't understand how someone could get to that point to not only take his own life, but his child's. The only condolence was that she didn't see it coming. She was asleep.

Yesterday I was leaving my grandparents house, and my grandpa walked all the way to my car and motioned me to roll down my window. He stood there and said teary eyed that I was his favorite, and even when he is gone I always will be. I don't know how to respond to this. I don't. I know I am his favorite, and he is my favorite too. I just don't know how to talk to him... We talked about some of our memories together too. I can't come to terms with what is happening to him. I can't find it in myself to still see him as he is now. I think, as morbid as it is, that I have simply started to preserve him in my mind as he "was." I think that is why I can't talk to him anymore. I need to change this. I have to change it.

When I'm down like this, I am bombarded with all my regrets: all the way from elementary school. I am relentless in punishing myself. I do not want to live under the rocks of guilt and shame. I want to apologize for things, but how do you do that when it happened years ago? Especially if what I want to apologize for the person doesn't even remember?

Once I graduated I had an epiphany: It wasn't about the grades or how many awards I could rack up. School isn't a computer game. It is about relationships, loving people, and keeping peace with people. I zoomed past everything and everyone trying to accomplish the most and at the fastest pace. What did I gain from it? What did other people gain from it? I missed out on so many opportunities and relationships. I'm sorry. I want to make it my goal to stop speeding. I want to enjoy each day for what it is, and rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118.24